I suggest you spend a few hours a week watching these programs. There is NOTHING more satisfying than watching dumb fucking people getting hurt. Nothing.

It always amazes me how they totally downplay how fucking stupid these people are. There was a story about two kids who were at ski resort and decided to go off the normal runs and go skiing on the mountain full of fresh snow. They walked RIGHT PAST the signs that said "Stay on the trail or you'll be buried in an avalanche, Dumbass". If that wasn't enough, they triggered a small avalance just by walking around. That would've been the final straw for most people, but the Champions of Common Sense decided to ski down the mountain anyway. They managed to show a miniscule sliver of common sense by deciding to ski along the ridge of the mountain instead of right down the slope where they were sure to cause an avalanche. One moron was skiing, one was taping. The Skiing moron figured the chicks wouldn't dig a video of him skiing down the ridge so his best bet would be to ski right down the fucking mountain. Guess what happened? A fucking avalanche. You could not be any stupider than these two kids. You could've called the mountain "Mt. Avalance" and they still would've put on their ugly fucking neon colored jackets and careened down the hill like some kind of retarded juggernaut.

I could never work in a ski patrol place: not because of my total lack of balance but because I want stupid people to die from doing stupid things. If that bastard kid had flagged me down and told me his friend was off somewhere with his femur sticking out of his leg I would've gone inside, enjoyed some hot chocalate and gone to bed. Long story short, they rescued the kid and he made a full recovery. This is a tragedy for the human species.

The program went on and on about his injuries and subsequent recovery, never ONCE mentioning how utterly fucking stupid the kids were (and no doubt still are).

Anyway, the point I wanted to make (I got pissed off thinking about those kids) was that these shows are fucking outstanding. They fill me with such indignation I can hardly stand it and there's certain truisms about every one of these shows that never fail to tickle my fancy pink. For example, the person who is injured always ALWAYS talks about how lucky they are. Hey shithead, do you know who's REALLY lucky? All the people who DIDN'T get their flesh burned off by scalding water. Those people are lucky. You are the opposite of lucky.

The episode where the guy got his flesh burned off by scalding water was a perfect example of people being fucking stupid and the show totally glossing over how fucking stupid they are. Unfortunately there was no video of the dood getting his flesh burned off so they were forced to do a reenactment. The reenactment showed the plumber guy climbing up on a foot stool and tapping a pipe. Suddenly, sclading water shot out of the nozzle. Tap tap tap BAM! SCALDING WATER! I'm no plumber (I did play a lot of "Super Mario Brothers", though) but I was under the impression that tapping on pipes didn't cause water to shoot out of them. I thought you had to do something like loosen the God damn nozzle. If you're reading this, burnt-off-skin-plumber guy, I know you fucking opened that nozzle. You may've fooled "Impact - Stories or Survival" but you're not fooling me..

Do you know what happens if you burn off all your skin? You have to get skin grafts made out of corpse skin. If they ever need to do ANYTHING with corpse skin to me, just let me fucking die. They run the corpse skin through a machine that perforates it or something so it looks like a fleshy ace bandage, then they wrap you up in it and hope your body absorbs it. Wouldn't that technically make you part zombie? Also, apparently while you heal from being a dumbass and burning off all you skin, your body consumes tens of thousands of calories every day. That sounds pretty good to me; I'm hoping it becomes the next fad diet. Fuck the South Beach diet, come to Dr. Ozmodiar's weight loss clinic. I'll burn off all of your fucking flesh and then you can eat large pizza's all fucking day and STILL almost starve to death, you horrible glutton.

Another thing that I love about the survival story shows is they always talk about how these fucking idiots go right back to doing whatever almost killed them. That doesn't make you a hero or brave or passionate, that makes you someone who does not learn a lesson the first time. If I were riding a skateboard and fell down and my leg suddenly bent the other way you can bet your sweet ass you'd never see me near a skateboard ever again. Hell, you could also count out rollerblades, rollerskates, snowboards, or anything else with "skate" or "board" in it.