Lately the office management people have been doing a great job improving the bathroom facilities here. They got rid of those fucking soap pumps that you had to bang on for five minutes to get a little dribble of soap to spill out like drool from the lips of a sick cow. Now we had some high pressure motherfuckers where the soap rockets forth into my awaiting piss-splashed hands.

And the automatic paper towel dispenser! I fucking love this thing. All I have to do is wave my hand in front of it and a paper towel is issued, smooth as silk. The issue of the paper towel is smooth as silk, not the towel itself. The best part of the paper towel dispenser is that, on rare occasions, it will randomly dispense a paper towel when no one is near the dispenser. It's cool at 2am after a deployment - makes the whole place feel haunted and mysterious.

Anyway, now the bathroom smells kind of like Fruit Loops. It wasn't that freshly cleaned bleachy smell. This was fragrance. Deliberate fragrance. I looked around and noticed the new, shiney metal fragrance dispenser on the wall. It looked kind of like HAL 9000 from 2001: A Space Oddesy (sci-fi masterpiece) sans the glowing red light. This, my friends, is some awesome sausage.

I was just about to finish my business when I heard a noise.
"pft"
it was a quick, sharp little sound.

Fruit loops?

Suddenly, I felt very bad about myself. Does this little device have a stink detector or something? Is that possible? Do we have that technology?

I always fool myself into thinking that the stench of my shit does not travel beyond the stall walls. The embarassament implcations of this thing are huge. For instance, what if one day I'm "downloading the logs from production" (if you get what I'm saying) and this thing keeps going off, over and over, in a constant spray of fruity essence?