I always get really nervous before I call these people. That is, until about Tuesday when I realized it doesn't matter what the fuck I do because THEY want something from ME. I was saying things like "You'll have to bear with me, I'm a computer nerd and not an HR person". I don't say that anymore.

I've decided to really feel these people out. If I have to work with your nerdy ass all day you better be pretty fucking rad. I'm not hanging out with a fucking dork all day long.

Today I'm going to say things like "So Mr. Johnson, I see you have experience with Cisco routers. Could you please tell me the kind of things you've done while I eat this entire roasted chicken as loudly as I can?" or "According to your resume, you have an 'affinity for SQL server performance monitoring'. Could you please explain that on speaker phone so me and my coworkers can laugh at you?" If the interview goes really badly, I figure I'll bust out with some classic movie quotes. I'm not talking some tired Monty Python and the Holy Grail quotes, either. I'm talking full-on Raging Bull "YOU FUCK MY WIFE? HEY? YOU FUCK MY WIFE?"

I mean, I want to know what Star Wars character you'd be and why. If you tell me you want to be C3P0, thank you for your time, and thank God I dodged that bullet. I'm just going to flat-out ask these people if they're cool. "So are you cool, or what?" Why is that an improper question to ask during a job interview? I don't really care if you're cool or not, but I'm going to be able to tell if you're fucking lying to me.